The RNC: Madness in Minnesota

But first some bookkeeping:

Please accept my sincere apologies for the lack of coverage of the Democrats’ final night in Denver. Life intervened and I missed both Obama and Big Al enjoying their moments.

Do I regret it? No. I was burnt out and needed the night off.

As for the new 90210…wow. It was in fact as bad as many had imagined it would be. I cannot argue the point. But pilot episodes of eventually good shows are often brutal, so I will say the jury is still out.

And I do still love me some Jennie Garth.

Meanwhile in Minnesota:

The crew is spread out tonight. Chris Matthews is running the show in St. Paul while Keith Olbermann is at the anchor desk back in New York. Is this because of Gustav or the on-air tensions that arose last week in Denver? Vegas has the tension listed at 2-1. I’d take that bet.

8:35pm: Pat Buchanan argues that Barack Obama “likes the idea” of partial-birth abortion. Once McCain and Palin win, they will overturn Roe. “Then we’ll throw it back to the states and let’s get it on!” Pat is fired up—and clearly exhibiting every reason why so many people do hate him.

8:41: Senator Sam Brownback of Kansas stops by to tell us all about Sarah Palin. She is a breath of fresh air, a reformer from the Teddy Roosevelt mold. Oh, and her kid has Down syndrome. Wow. That was not subtle. I really do feel for each and every one of the Palin children. This is not their fault.

8:45: Cindy McCain has her adopted daughter with her in the balcony. This is notable because there is a video tribute to white people who adopt children of color and are not named Angelina Jolie playing on the big screen. Do you think that was planned? I’m shocked.

9pm: Olbermann checks in to update us on the night’s schedule. President Bush is in, via closed circuit from the White House, and Rudy Giuliani is out. A hellish trifecta lay ahead: Bush, Fred Thompson, and Joe Lieberman. I really should be drinking.

Tom Ridge: Sarah Palin will help us in states like New Hampshire, Michigan, and Pennsylvania. I run through a list of snippy comebacks in my head before realizing he is probably right. These are exactly the states where the PUMAs will do the most damage.

Matthews: Admit it; this selection was all about Hillary Clinton.

Ridge, with a coy smile: No…

The bad moon continues to rise.

9:05: Former President and First Lady George and Barbara Bush appear on the convention floor before taking their seats. He looks very old. She looks exactly the same.

9:09: Utah Senator Orrin Hatch got tears in his eyes when he realized the Republican Party was going to put the first woman into the White House. And the media needs to back off, because women are UNHAPPY! We know he means it because tonight he has forgone the trademark bowtie. Hatch…unplugged!

With the senator is McCain strategist Carly Fiorina, herself notable for recently holding a clandestine meeting with several key supporters of Hillary Clinton, among them the once and future candidate’s brother. I was under the impression the meeting took place in Pennsylvania, but Fiorina seems to indicate that it was actually Ohio. Her smugness in this interview is infuriating. Why am I not drinking?

9:14: Tom Brokaw and Chuck Todd discuss the first President Bush, and I’m reminded of something I heard former Massachusetts Governor and vanquished presidential candidate Michael Dukakis say a few weeks ago:

“You know, this really is all my fault. If I had only beaten the old man then no one would have ever heard of the son and we wouldn’t be in this mess. I am so sorry.”

Well, Mike…you fucking should be.

9:19: Chuck Todd notes the strange of absence of Jeb Bush at this convention. “If his last name wasn’t Bush, he would be on this ticket.” Interesting. I think we are all happier that he is not, with the possible exception of Bristol Palin.

9:37: Lt. Dan Taylor, aka actor Gary Sinise, narrates a video tribute to a fallen Navy SEAL and Medal of Honor winner whose name I miss each time it is said. This is a much darker theme than anything we saw in Denver. The SEALs in attendance get a well-deserved standing ovation. Then the Medal of Honor winners get their own round of applause. The GOP’s dominance of the military is on display here.

Um, this can’t be the way they are going to segue to President Bush, can it? Are we going to get a picture from the one day he showed up for duty with the Texas Air National Guard? The SEALs deserve better than that.

9:44: No, there is the First Lady to introduce hubby. Keith points out that it has been decades since a sitting president failed to appear at his party’s convention. I completely understand why Bush skipped out, but the fact will always be that had he paid this kind of attention to Katrina, he could have gone to the party in Minnesota. Nothing he does now is going to reverse that. And great job, Brownie.

Laura Bush lets us know that John McCain is a war hero and Sarah Palin is a proven executive and true reformer. Really? I hadn’t heard that. This seems like a good time to review the Republican talking points for St. Paul:

John McCain is a former POW.
John McCain is a war hero.
John McCain is a maverick reformer with a history of results.

Sarah Palin is a proven executive with real experience.
Sarah Palin comes from a good family that has the same problems all families have.
Sarah Palin is a reformer with a history of results.

If we were playing a drinking game and sipping each time one of these lines was spoken, we would be hammered right now. No, that isn’t quite true. We would have been hammered hours ago. By now we would be passed out.

Laura Bush has a detached manner of speaking that is reminiscent of Nancy Pelosi, and that is not a good thing. With Laura it is the smile that is plastic. With Nancy, it is the whole face.

Taken at face value, her remarks are all about the amazingly strong women of the Republican Party. Women like Sarah Palin who…

…wait for it…

…is a proven executive with real experience, and a reformer with a history of results. But what is actually being discussed is the division within the Democratic Party. Every time the theme of women comes up in St. Paul that is what is really being talked about. The women, the women, the women, and then we somehow finally segue to the President. I heard it live and am still not really sure quite how got there.

9:53: Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States! Live, via satellite.

John McCain is a great American (and in 5…4…3…2…1) a true war hero. Again, I had no idea.

The crowd is definitely subdued here. It might be the fact that he is onscreen rather than in person, or it might just be that after eight years of this guy even the Republicans have had enough. When you are talking about “tax relief” and “drilling” and still only getting muted applause from this crowd then things must be really, really, REALLY bad.

10pm: The networks cut in and anchors at NBC, ABC, and CBS all talk over the President. Olbermann laughs. So does Viall.

10:04: And now…a tribute to Ronald Reagan. Ugh.

10:07: Alright, I must now warn you. I’m really not sure I can do this tonight. Joe Lieberman is still a long way off and someone just claimed that Ronald Reagan “saved our century”. WTF? And when did Joe Lieberman become a headlining act, anyway?

10:08: Fred Thompson of Tennessee is at the podium, and he is greeted by more muted applause. This is unbecoming of an actor from Law and Order, and would never happen to the late Jerry Orbach.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Fred Thomson is a good actor, has a great voice, but was a terrible candidate. Just awful. And speeches like this are the reason why. Well, speeches like this and a lack of any real desire to campaign. That didn’t help.

But this just might be Fred at his best—or at least his best since The Hunt for Red October. He is finally fired up. The delivery is great. The deep voice with the southern twang lends itself to speechmaking. It sounds like he should be reading Cicero or narrating on the Discovery Channel.

But he’s not. He’s reading a prepared political speech, and the shine wears off as soon as we listen to the words. “Give me some Sarah Palin of the establishment in Washington any day!” Um…your party has controlled the White House for the last eight years, and congress for six of those eight years. (Remember, Fred, you were there.) What establishment are you talking about exactly?

Another Teddy Roosevelt reference goes by and I begin to wonder what that is all about. Is the GOP always touting Teddy as a hero? I’ve never noticed before. And what is this about “the draining of the swamp”? That is at least the third time we’ve heard that. Every speech tonight has contained the same talking points. Remarkable. And then, as if on cue:

“John McCain is a war hero.” (And in 5…4…3…2…1) “And, he’s a former POW.”

At that point I stop listening. Thompson drones on and on while I download some Pearl Jam and again contemplate a drink.

10:23: “Now, being a POW doesn’t qualify you to be president. But it does show character.” Absolutely, yes, a thousand times, yes. It absolutely shows character, and McCain is an amazing man for having survived that experience and thrived afterwards. But it has also become his first response to every issue, and its value is cheapened with every gratuitous usage. People who believe this is not the same John McCain we saw in 2000 are not wrong. The McCain back then didn’t lean on this like a crutch.

The crowd is chanting something that sounds like, “Beat LA! Beat LA!” Sorry, folks, Larry Bird is not walking through that door. (Hi, God? It’s me, Jim. Please don’t let Larry Bird walk through that door. Please?)

10:36: Olbermann: “That speech was akin to lining John McCain up next to a flag and a gun.” Indeed. Thompson apparently went long, because we are moving on with almost no down time.

10:39: Finally, Joe Lieberman has come back to St. Paul. The applause is some of the weakest we have heard all night, and that is saying something.

We begin with Gustav. “My friends, it shouldn’t take a hurricane to bring us together.” Actually, Joe, it took you selling out your party and country for Israel. But I digress.

He talks about George Washington warning against loyalty to any one political party. He does not follow up with Washington also warning against foolish military excursions in foreign lands.

We get a shot of Newt Gingrich smiling and laughing on the convention floor. What the hell am I watching?

OH! It is “USA, USA” they are chanting. That makes sense. If there were more than a few dozen voices, that might have been clear.

I lose track of the number of times that Lieberman refers to himself as a Democrat. This is news in and of itself because Lieberman has been an independent since 2006, when Democrats in Connecticut widely supported his primary opponent. It was only thanks to his new friends in the GOP that he returned to Washington.

Now he praises Bill Clinton. The response is as icy as you would expect.

Onto Governor Sarah Palin. She is a…

…wait for it…

…wait for it…

…wait for it…

…reformer! AND she gets results.

Iraq. The War on Terror. Iraq. The Middle East. Iraq. I have heard not a single mention of Afghanistan tonight. Are they even admitting that we are still fighting on two fronts? If America gives these fools four more years then we have no one to blame but ourselves. Lieberman is still talking, but I’ve had more than enough.